Get Well

Whoa!

Nothing is the same since I've talked/typed here last. I could go into detail, but said life changes are not necessarily BLOGWORTHY. So clean slate this bitch and let’s get down to the choppity.

It's weird to be 21 and have health problems. I mean, shit, all I want to do is hang out at the bar and snort xanex and make everyone listen to the same Be-Bop Deluxe song 12xs rapid fire in case they didn't catch the Yeats reference (no one ever has).

Yet, however, in times of extreme pain you regret the eight solid months of doing ^ (those) activities, and think "My God, I'm not invincible, am I?"

I worked at the bar for 6 months, and realized that no matter how fun or numbing it is, no matter how buck wild or fucked up you get, "being 21" and acting borderline psychotic (borderline= completely) is not worth a damn thing. Not compared to being well, that is.

Grandma and Oprah are right, having your health is the most important thing. Not to say I'm going to get super-organic-sugar- free-low-carb-conscious after all this. I'm just not going to garfield the hell out of a pizza at 3a.m. or binge drink at Rainbo 15xs a week. That behavior will not improve one's health, nor make me any less single.

Monsters, Inc. and Self Loathing

My birthday weekend started on a HIGH note of steak dinners and tender romantic moments. It ended with blurry jager shots and being a mega-dick to my boyfriend. OH- followed by a two day raging hangover.

Some people are dumb and foolish, but i am a monster.

What kind of monster do you think i'd be?

Long and hard google deliberation = I could be one of two:


A.) alcohol abuse/facial hair similarities
B.) because he is, obviously, a monster who likes ice cream.

#70 Don't Piss Your New Friend's Rich Brother's Suede Couch

They will not care that you got dosed. You just pissed on their thousand dollar suede couch imported from Milan, you pathetic drunk.

Not only is your new friend going to tell EVERYONE, but she also won't accept your facebook friendship and will laugh every time she sees you.

You're too young for that kind of humiliation, kiddo. No one wants to be the "pee girl." Or, in this case, the "pees the couch girl." That's the equivalent to being the "got herpes from a French dj girl" as far as I'm concerned

#71 Do Not Try To Impress The Boys In The Band

They're fucked up on cocaine and you're going to puke up the 6 vodka tonics you downed so you could totally shake it up front in your ripped tights and muumuu. shit.

#72 Do Not Wear A Muumuu To The Club

Dude no one's supposed to wear a muumuu unless they're plus sized or pregnant.

YOU'RE just bulimic and sexually active.

If you wear one to a club you'll be known as that crazy underage bulimic kid that sleeps around in muumuus. And the pictures will be on party blogs as horrid proof of your heinous fashion faux pas. Also you might get mooed at. Which does not help that whole self esteem/body image/eating disorder thing.

AH THE VICIOUS MUUMUU CYCLE!

#73 Do Not Go To The Grand Victoria Casino in Elgin

It's going to seem like a really killer idea.

Especially after you've had 2 Sparks and some whiskey shots at your boyfriend's rock show. Your friends all get in. You are asked to step to the side, then proceed to be escorted into a secret casino office by a chubby Steve Winwood fan whose name tag says "Mike Miracle." Some cop will show up and handcuff you. You try and text your friends who are winning money at the slots. You do not succeed. You get thrown into a paddywagon. Once you get to the station you take a (sort of flattering) mug shot, get your court date and wait to see if anyone will bail you out.

You feel like Lindsey Lohan for half of a second, but then you realize you will never be as hot and you don't have a job.

#74 Do Not Nair Your Pubic Hair

Two Words: Chemical Burn

My boyfriend was pissed. Yours would be, too.